Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Sleepless Night

You know that feeling where you wanna go to bed but you just can't sleep?
Of course not, you're a republican.

Well, I've got it. Got it bad. And I can't quite figure it out.

It's almost like I'm supposed to be somewhere else. Like I'm meant to be partying it up with big-time celebs. Rubbing elbows and the likes with artsy people. Being vindictive and getting involved in gang warfare. Pulling a prank on the other kids from the bunk.

I just don't know.

Maybe it's the fact that I'm here at 1 AM cracking open beer #3 tonight when I should be cracking open beer #303. Maybe it's the fact that I'm kinda bored when really I could be running from the cops at full speed, dodging gun-fire and hoping the Russian government isn't in on this. Maybe I'm just wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt when really i would be wearing a tuxedo and laughing obnoxiously at rich people jokes with a bunch of Aristocrats.

Don't. Know.

And it looks like I'll never know. This could have been 'the' night. This could have been my '24'. I always picture my life as a movie (clearly it is) and all the future stuff is unknown and the past is revealed in watery-ripple effect flashbacks throughout, but the right here, right now 'present' is the majority of the movie. Sure we'll skip ahead when it's done but the 'now' is where the action's at. And I'm sitting at home twiddling my thumb.

It's a weird longing. I want something -- I just don't know what it is. And it's not my body that wants something. It's not something like food or water or rest. It's not really physical. It's not even mental really. It isn't my brain's way of saying 'hey, i want to do a crossword puzzle' or 'hey, let's learn at least a few phrases in arabic.' Or if it is it's the worst hint ever.

So I guess it's the heart or the soul. I always imagine it like you have a soul mate -- a perfect mirror of your soul -- but it's not necessarily in a person. And there's not necessarily just one of them.

It's my total bullshit theory. To understand, start from the beginning. It's like when the universe was created it was all one piece. All one unit. And as it exploded outward all these parts broke apart and broke down and mixed together and formed compounds and developed systems and were bound by the laws of physics. Well, our souls, hearts, minds, whatever you want to call them, broke apart, too. They too mixed and changed and transformed and grew. Parts of them could be anywhere. They could be in any form. They could be in any state of matter, any state of time, any state of being.

So I can picture a part of me as a hydrogen cell billions and billions of miles away in a star. I picture me as a C# note in one particular song. I picture me in the dark spots behind the moon. I picture me as a small photon of light. I could be anywhere, anything, or anywhen. And there's not much a chance I'm going to pull all my pieces back together.

Physics --check it out.

Particles don't just disappear or go away. Moments may come and go but they don't 'unexist'. All those pieces are still out there. And they'll still be out there. They change form, they change shape, they change time. They flow.

So all these pieces of us are still out there. We're not even remotely connected to our 'original selves' anymore. But maybe, on let's say a night like tonight--a night where something's bothering me, a night I can't sleep--maybe it's because something happened. Maybe somehow a star I'm connected to billions of light years away just died. Maybe the song that is part of me was just played for the first time. Maybe a part of me in another human being was just born. Or died. It could be anything really.

Maybe that's why we 'like' things or 'don't like' things. Maybe that's why scientists can't explain why some people like peanut butter and why some people hate it (like communists). Maybe we're more connected to the world around us than we think. We're not just 'in' the world around us, we're literally 'in' it.

Like I said, totally bullshit. But I don't know, don't you sometimes feel connected to things or places or people you've never met before -- but it's almost like you've known them... since the beginning of time? Maybe you have. Maybe you have.

So, soul mates-- yea, I believe in them. But not in the standard sense. Maybe that's what it is tonight. And I'm just hoping a piece of me is out there getting laid. Another piece of me was born on planet Glarpknock. Another piece of me is being used to save poor starving kids in North Wales, PA. Whatever it is-- I'm just glad it is I guess.

Even if a star died trillions of miles away -- I hope that part of me died in a glorious supernova. Arcing across space in the beautiful quasar of dazzling color and hurtling burning hot into the cold of the void. Let it never stop shining and twisting and striving like some heavenly ember. May it burn on, long after sound and time can touch it. Just out there drifiting until millions and millions of years have gone by. And then one night it will stop... just one more sleepless night.

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