Thursday, May 7, 2009

I Am People.

I just checked the 10-day forecast.
2 sunny days.

And in the past week?
we've had maybe 2 sunny days.

So.... roughly 12 out of 14-ish days of rain?

Are you kidding me? This is bullshit. This is communism. This is Richard Nixon lies. This is everything that's wrong with the world. And I think I know what it was.

God reads my blog.

And he read my article on sunshine about a week ago. That he did. Oh God, how clever we are. Oh, you mighty mighty Lord. You even threw some pretty crazy thunderstorm at me today, Big Guy. But it wasn't enough. You big jokester.


You crack me up. And you've got another thing coming.

Weather can't stop people.

I am people.

People live on. People survive. People can not be stopped. Need more proof? I've documented a few scientific examples of men who 'defied' the elements and lived on in the face of annihilation.

----------------------WATER (Summer, 2120)

Let's say God wants to 'really show me' and he makes it rain for hundreds of years straight and the polar ice caps melt and now the entire globe is covered in water. The world has turned to drastic measures. Dangerous pirates comb the vast empty oceans, wasting away, ever-searching. Oh no, who could possibly survive?

Kevin Costner.

Maybe you've heard of him. Maybe he sort of survived. Maybe he was even on the search for the mythical island of 'Dryland' and sort of saved humankind. And did he do it while navigating drifters, mutants, and bloodthirsty pirates on jet skis? Yea. Maybe take that fact and wrap your mind around it.

So rain? --I'm not too worried.

-----------------------------WIND (Fall, 1996)

So a little rain didn't bring mankind to a crumbling end -- what else could God possibly throw at us? Oh no. Here they come: giant swirling whirlwinds of incredible force, powerful enough to lift cows, trucks, and houses and throw them directly into the path of someone driving a red truck. No one, I mean no one could survive the awesome, horrific power of an endless wave of tornadoes. I mean, that just wouldn't make sense.

Knock! Knock!

Oh, it's for you God.

It's Bill Paxton.

Not only did the man survive a series of documented raging tornadoes in the midwest--but he thrived. He even survived a fucking F5. Maybe you recognize the name, it is after all the finger of God.

And in doing so he even launched Dorothy into orbit and totally made out with Helen Hunt. So I guess that's not too shabby, is it?

And he did it with ease. To Bill, tornadoes are child's play. Next.

----------------------------ICE (Winter 2004)

Oh wait, God has something up his sleeve: what if he rains down hellacious violent superstorms as large as cities that combine tornado-like winds and -150 degree F freezing powers? And thanks to global warming and cooling they descend all over the earth sweeping down from the poles instantly killing millions. Well I guess that's it. Now I'm in trouble, right?


Dennis Quaid thinks differently.

In the Discovery Channel documentary 'The Day after Tomorrow' Quaid shows us that not even supercell storms approaching at rapid speeds to kill Jake Gyllenhaal shouldn't scare us. Apparently you just need a nice warm yellow jacket. He even turns tennis rackets into shoes and walks along the barren wasteland of what used to be Ellis Island in time to pose for a picture next to the almost fully covered in snow Statue of Liberty.

Quaid saw your bet and he raised you, God. All in.
Your move.

--So there you have it. Maybe brush up on your history, God, cause your little 10-day rain forecast isn't so scary anymore. And this is just 3 examples among many, many documented cases. Just 3 regular men who made a difference. Men who were people like you and me.

So bring the pain. Big time. Because you're taking on one of the big boys. I've studied under Kev, Bill, and Den. I know their moves. And I'm more than ready to take this 'weather' on. You know why?

Because I'm people, too.

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