Thursday, March 19, 2009

Unmolest America

Q: What's the best part about sex with twenty six year olds?
A: Easy, there's twenty of them.

Easily one of my favorite jokes of all time. So great. It's all in the creepy delivery, too. But it got me thinking-- child molesters are pretty nuts. I mean, in all fairness fully-grown fully-hot women are hot where as snot-nosed under-developed annoying kids are, well.... not. I don't get it. But enough about child molesters, they get enough attention. They have their own laws, their own stereotypes, their own internet watchdog lookout web sites and their own series of infomercials and movies. Christ, they have their own super-cool members only club NAMBLA.

They get all the hype. All the talk. But what about a more dangerous group out there. What about old people molesters?

Think about it. There's a market for old people porn. Why wouldn't there be old people molesters? Kids, kids, kids -- that's all the media cares about. But think about it: the kids grow up. They'll figure this stuff out. These kids can grow up and beat up child molesters if they really want. Old people just keep getting older. What can they gonna do? --Just grow older and die.

The ones that like the men are the Grandpa Grabbers. The Saggy Sack Stalkers, the Hairy-Ear Hawks. The ones that like the women are the Granny Gropers. The Droopy Droolers, the Wrinkle Rubbers.

These are the sick, twisted people who visit old people homes for "charity". Yea, charity my ass. Or rather poor old Ethel's ass. A pinch here, a rub here. "Here, let me give you a sponge bath." These are the kind of crimes going on unpunished in society everyday. You want someone fondling your granddad's balls? I didn't think so.

These people are at large and they are dangerous. They wake up early--oh, so early--and get right to work. First stop: the mall, 6 am.

Wait, you mean before the mall even opens? You're god damned right. It's like one giant peep show. Old guys in sweatbands and way-too-high shorts stretching and jogging around-- bang. Head on over to Perkins for some breakfast and oggle some droopy breasts-- bang. Have you some coffee and actual pick up the local paper and read it while complaining about liberals and President Reagan to the dirty old man on your right -- bang. That's what they're talking about.

These guys are halfway done molesting by the time the rest of the world is even waking up. Then it's time to head to Bob Evans 3:45 pm dinner and home again to shower before the ultimate in old people orgies--a crazy uninhibited night of godlessness and old-person harlotry. Thursday's 8 pm Bingo.

It's a wonder we even have any old people left. They're out there in the open, unprotected, unnoticed by the masses. And yet every day countless are being taken from us, some even sold into sex slavery. It's time we did something for them. It's time we took a stand. Write to your local senator and ask that we finally put an end to this sickness that runs red through our streets. Put these Granny Gropers in their place. Make an example out of every Old-Guy-Ball-Fondler. Get these sicko's out of our beloved old people's lives.

And it's up to you at home, too. See an unmarked van circling the VFW parking lot? Notice alot of 'weird people' volunteering at old people's homes? See some slickster in a suit buying your granny Ginger-Ale and rum at the Bingo? Some young girl wearing revealing clothes and helping your granddad figure out how 'his internet clicks on'?

Say something. It's up to us to keep them pure.

It's up to us to Unmolest America.

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