Thursday, July 23, 2009

Jam 101 -- Funk You

yea, i haven't blogged in a week or something, but I also haven't porked anyone's mom in a week or so and no one's said anything about that.

Let's see...what to talk about with you jamokes. Hockey's far away, hammered is what I'm always getting, a jam approacheth---

YOU: A what-a whateth?
ME: A jam dickhead. You know, like a jam.

A jam. It's something that follows The Laws of the Conservation of Energy. It can neither be created nor destroyed. It's something that happens -- it doesn't occur. It's something that you can feel more than you can hear. It's something that is alive and inside. It moves and reproduces. It feeds and it grows. It's a million things more than it's a 'one single' thing. And there's no such thing as the same jam twice (that's just liberal bullshit talk).

Jams don't have to be dirty funky--but mine are. They don't have to make musical sense--I'm sure alot of mine don't. They don't have to have a top, a bottom, a beginning, or an end-- or a middle for that matter. A jam is just what it is--a fucking jam.

I know next to nothing about music theory. I know where like 5 notes are on the bass and I know where the octave to each note is.... so I know like 10 notes. I play with all sorts of people ranging from 'I-know-E-minor-sus-7-and-teach-guitar-at-george's-music' Bradford S Granberry to 'Woa-man,-check-out-this-tasty-Phish-lick' Scotty. There are styles and stipulations you have to actually bring to each jam. Here, lemme lay it down for y'all:


The Jam: As Sex

Woa, don't put it there--who's on my instrument!
Wrong hole--plug into my higher input!
Let's work into it slower now, it's starting to burn!
My turn to take it from the top, bitch!
Where the fuck are we right now?
Why do we always do it the way you want?
Now I'm feelin ya!
Give me that tasty lick!
Holy shit, we're going to explode all over the audience!
Hold on guys, some semen in my eye.

Just a few quotes you'll hear during the average jam. Complications and intimacies run amok over the course of a hot n heavy jam. And it's no wonder. Jams are complex, emotional, crazy creatures. You have bandmates and you don't want to step on their toes. (I won't get into what happens if you have feelings for your bandmates--and they're boys.) But you don't want to sit by on the sidelines and watch all the fun from the bench. What about the drummers feelings? Does he wanna mix it up and do some gay symbol tickling and intricate tom-work? What about your guitarists stamina-- can he withstand the rigors of intense in-your-face metal all jam long? Is your bass player solo-ing non-stop and jumping around all over the neck showing off his blazing speed instead of just laying down some solid thump? It's all very personal and very touchy. It doesn't take much to make a jam go awry, but it takes a shit-load to make a jam cut out a hot path of awesomeness.

Not only do you have to have make love to your instrument, you have to have sex with your bandmates. That's alot of dirty-dirty. And explains why Rock n Roll is all about drugs and sex.

1. Keep the Pace
Don't have everyone humping the air randomly with misguided musical notes at random intervals or you'll get something that sounds like baby sheep being thrown into an industrial blender. Stay in time. Relax. It doesn't have to be Opeth tight and technical. Keep it 4/4. Stay at a reasonable speed for the majority of the jam. You'll have your chance to unleash holy-solo-hell when the time is right.

2. Know What Makes THEM Feel Good
Don't just go out there and do what makes you feel good for 2 hours. Tickle the taint. Lay down some boring stuff and provide some cover-fire for the other guys to break out. This obviously has alot to do with your instrument and your style, but don't be that guy who solos the whole jam long or only plays the style best suited to your needs. Essentially, just don't be a selfish dick. Luckily in Uranium Bassment my boys Jones Benner and X-Factor will rock out, slow it up, and mix it up by throwing me a 'Funk Bass Jam' bone. Keeping the whole group satisfied is a hot way to 'simultaneously climax' all over during key parts of the Jam that just fucking sound 'awesome'.

3. Get Sensual
Feel the jam happen in you, in your instrument, and in your Bandies. Make love to your instrument. Go hot and heavy over her private parts or slowly build her up. This is crucial to 'changing directions without words', the hardest part of jamming. Hear your guitarist going lighter on the chords but adding that sinister bend? Is the drummer getting heavier and faster on the drums in a 'slowly building' kinda way? Something bad is about to happen and to make sure it gets pulled off in extreme awesome fashion you need to feel the subtleties around you. On the next measure make it happen. Let that wild animal passion rip out and put the balls to the wall at this next cymbal crash. Remember--musical instruments and bandmates can not press charges for rape.

4. Experiment
Whip out the blow-up dolls, the chocolate sauce, the scented candles, and put the ball gag in the dog's mouth-- it's time to mix it up. Who wants the jam to get boring? Fuck buddies is to married couple as funky jam is to written songs. Sure, they all have their place, but this is a mother-funkin jam. Don't go solo-ing around some weird Egyptian scale you learned last week all jam long but do try something weird here and there. Spice it up. Don't be afraid to mess up. You may not like it all--but you may just find the recipe for Liquid Gold.

5. Use Your Head.... Not That One
Sure, it's good to go in knowing scales and rules and pieces of songs and how to turn a riff ilonian or whatever but here's the key -- use your Dick. That's right. Whatever instrument you're playing is an extension of you. Strum that dick and crank your balls to volume 11. It's no use counting to 4. It's no use predicting where the E key fits halfway through your solo. Start just moving. I mean 'moving'. Sway with the beat. Turn off the brain. Pretend you just took your cocaine through a straw in a glass full of Jack Daniels alla Stevie Ray Vaughn and let it all out. Let go of that barrier of reason and logic. Stop thinking about the song and be the fucking song. This sound is an extension of you. If you want to shred some baby armadillo's in a wood chipper let your fingers carve a wicked riff. If you want to have sex with the pope on top of a cathedral drop those majestic beats and let your feet and snare drum do the prayin'. You feel the need to let loose the hot sexual magma of hurricane sex you slap the shit out of your dick and stop poppin' n lockin the dirtiest nastiest low-down frequencies you can find. Become something else. Become the jam.

So there it is. The Jam as sex. So next time you hear your neighbors strumming up the sweet sounds give yourself a chuckle. You know they're all dudes and if they're any good at jamming -- they're practically doing each other. LoL! MFG!!! Faggzzzzzzz!!!!

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