Wednesday, July 1, 2009

The Flyers: Destroying Teams (Literally)

If you can't beat 'em, beat 'em up.

Apparently that's the approach the Flyers have taken to the '09-'10 season.

And I think I like it.

There's still some shuffling to do, and some rumors about waiving Cote and sending players to the minors etc. but let's look at what we have right now:
The equivalent to War Machine on ice.

Let's look at the schedule here and take a look at things. The Flyers have some games coming up and are potentially playing... let's say.... The Penguins. Sure, the Flyers are about to play the Penguins for the first time since they knocked us out of the 2009 Stanley Cup Playoffs. And through some grace of Gary (Bettman) and luck of the draw (Red Wings did not play those last 2 games at all) they won the tourney (I refuse to call it The Cup until next year) last year and they think their shit don't stink. Let's say that. It's Thursday, October 8, and we're playing the dirty fucking Penguins.

Well, Homer looks over his roster sheet and he makes the call to Stevens:

"Ahem, John? Yea, it's me Paul. How's it going? Good, good. Just wanted to call about the team, about tomorrow's game. Did you know the metal gates between teams locker rooms were named after me? You did? Good, good, just wanted to make sure. Well for tomorrow's game here's who the fuck we're gonna dress for the game-"

Aaron 'Ash' Asham

--Owns a solid work ethic and is strong along the boards. Is also willing to crash the net to create scoring chances or even drop the gloves, which he's pretty good at.
HT: 5' 11 WT: 205
Drop Bombs on 'em.
PIM: 155

Daniel 'Car Bomb' Carcillo

Could become the next Sean Avery. Has shift-disturbing qualities and the ability to drop the gloves against anyone. Is a solid hitter, as well.
HT: 5' 11 WT: 203
STYLE: Dirty hair, dirty teeth, ridin' dirty punches
PIM: 324

'Rockin' Riley Cote

--Is always a willing pugilist, and understands his role as a team player. Has good size and the ability to be a bruising physical presence.
HT: 6' 1 WT: 210
STYLE: Rock 'em, Sock 'em, ohmygod
PIM: 202

Ian 'Lappy' Laperriere

--Is a very hard worker and earns a lot of respect in standing up for his teammates. Has strong forechecking and penalty-killing skills. Tends to rattle his opponents with his in-your-face attitude.
6' 1 WT: 200
STYLE: Right cross, right jab, right hook, right uppercut, win
PIM: 185

Mike 'Cannon' Richards

--Plays a smart, two-way game and possesses outstanding leadership qualities. Can kill penalties and also play the point on the power play. Leads by example.
HT: 5' 11 WT: 195
STYLE: fights w fire and fires off his Cannon!
PIM: 76

Ole-Kristian Tollefsen 'OKT'

--Loves to lay on the body and displays a wealth of toughness and aggression along the blueline. Has the makings of a sound defensive defenseman.
HT: 6'2 WT: 211
STYLE: The Nasty Norweigan Knuckler
PIM: 111 (in 51 GP)

Chris 'Darth Vader' Pronger

--Is an awesome one-on-one defender, has a great reach and can dish out punishing body checks. He's also an excellent power-play point man and born leader.
HT: 6' 6 WT: 213
FIGHT STYLE: Be larger than everyone. Throw 'bows.
PIM: 180

That's a combined 1,333 penalty minutes.... from 6 guys!
That's a 1,337 lb Meat Train on a crash course with TheEndofYourLife Blvd and OhGodiJustShitMyself Ave!
That's more fighting firepower than the entire Canadian military! (ahem)

Not to mention the extra-curriculars from the rest of the team!

We all know Darrol Powe will drop 'em. We all watch Scott Hartnell, his hair flailing, make a nice mess in engaging the enemy. Our God damn goalie does cocaine and then fights people. He doesn't just fight other goalies either--he fights skaters and trainers. Not to mention Brian Boucher back between the pipes, he only fought in the biggest brawl in recent NHL history. (see also -- Lalime). I've seen a sad, sad Randy Jones fight. I've seen Sami Kaps fight the Oilers' Horcoff a couple years ago. I once sat in my chair and watched JEFF CARTER punch out Ryan Whitney behind the Pens net. For Christ's sake, Braydon Coburn had 3 fights last year!

What I'm getting at is this: The Flyers are going to be the toughest team in the NHL. Bar none. It will be ridiculous how badass this group will be. And they might not win every game. The Flyers might not win the Stanley Cup this year. Fine! It just appears that 'letting certain players dropkick goals and slide into our net' didn't sit well with Flyer management. And it shouldn't!

The new NHL is all about finesse and skill--and hey, I'm a big fan of those two things but please-- gimme that old school toughness any day. I take Derian Hatchers and Jason Smith's 100 times over the Joni Pitkanin's and Andy Delmore's (but Christ almighty wasn't that a playoff series to remember?) of the league. Apparently the finesse and skill though, are the new 'in'.

And this team Homer is building is a direct middle finger to the new 'in'-- to the new NHL.

It's like Collin Campbell and Gary Bettman are holding hands and kissing in the dark, whispering seductive nothings into each other's ears. Coo'ing "Sidneysssss" gently into each other's hair and tonguing "Malkinnnnn" into each other's gay-ass foreheads. Barry White is playing when all of a sudden Paul Holmgren kicks down the door with a boombox on his shoulder and he's blasting Slayer at max volume. He dropkicks them both in their faces and unzips his pants, loosing his hot, steamy justice all over those two fairies.

At least that's what I imagine the formation of this new team is.

It makes no sense! You need 2 or 3 guys who fight and a couple extra to mix it up-- Tops! We have something like 15 guys who throw down! It's a team of testosterone charged murderers and rapists let loose in a school for blind hot chicks. It's like using a rocket-propelled grenade to take out a mosquito. And the weirdest part of the whole thing --- I still think they have a damn good shot at 'it all'.

But because NHL management has been trying it's hardest not to embrace this 'ugly side of hockey' we are marked men. We're doomed before this season even starts. Chances are-- we're going to get suspended. We're going to get fined. We're going to get screwed by the refs more times than a drunk bitch at a crew party.

And I'll bitch, I'll complain, I'll grit my teeth-- but I'll know my team can kick the ever-loving shit out of your team. I'll know that my guys, pound for pound, will take your guys out back old school, and let loose the fury on your fancy asses. And that's what real hockey is all about. None of this ticky-tack new age stuff. Hockey was built on guts and grit and gore and glory.

Every year the papers read: "Broad Street Bullies are Back!!!"

And it's just hype. It's just the 'same-old' to sell stories. But maybe it won't be so far from the truth this year. Maybe this is the year they actually mean it. Maybe we're back.

And I like it. Why not? Do what we're 'supposed to' in the new NHL? Just look at the Penguins! We all want to win the right way, right?
No thanks, fuck yourself.

And let's not only do that.
Let's take it a step further.
Let's wake this league the fuck up.

Let's cross check our enemies over and over and over. And over. Let's pound the piss out of anyone on their team who slashes and runs. Take a dive? I'm landing on you with my skate-blades first if I can--have your 2-minutes, I want your achilles. Let's get under their skin and boil that pampered blood. Let's break some bones. Let's tear into some soft, girly, new NHL skate queens. Let's see how your head feels pinned up agaisnt the boards. Let's see how awesome you can dangle without your front fucking teeth. Let's make every breath hurt.

Go ahead and beat us, too, cause we're going to make you pay for it-with quarts of blood -with chunks of teeth -with black and green and blue bruises -with tears and hate and unbearable pain -with a broken soul. With no will to live.

Go ahead and fuckin' bring it.
--We're the Philadelphia Flyers--

Let's destroy the NHL.


  1. Awesome article. Stoked for next season and can't wait until October. Go Flyers!

  2. Great post! Can the season start already??

  3. screwed more times than a drunk bitch at a crew party....

    You're way under estimating, common, you've been to crew parties.