Wednesday, December 23, 2009


So i was walking along out front of my house yesterday, minding my own business, reflecting on life and how I could better children's lives and shit when I found this diary. I mean, there's snow and shit everywhere from the 'Blizzard to End All Blizzards' last week and my foot just sorta hit something hard sticking out of the snow.

I bend over to pick it up and it's this flowery pink mini-book that just reads "DiArY" (with the caps just like that) and a broken lock on the side. I look around, pick it up and hey--why not look inside? Maybe it's got a name or an address or something inside.

Nope, nothin.

I kinda read a couple sentences, it's all done in green pen and the pages all have faded gay flower backgrounds. Cursive. Alot of underlining and bolding. Loopy L's and hearts over random letters. What do I care about some teenage girls diary, right?

I'm about to throw it as far as I can behind these houses in spite (I am, after all, a dude) but during the wind-up-


I am a dude. And it was only 7pm. But that was the biggest, blackest, loudest crow I'd ever heard in my entire life. And we don't get crows here in Lansdale. Some shit was definitely going down. I froze and watched that sucker perch on a tree across the street and just look at me.

Again, I am a dude. And I am NOT superstitious but... I don't know I just felt like going home right quick. And it was getting cold and everything. And in my surprise I guess I put the diary in my coat pocket and forgot about it--even though, it's weird, I don't remember ever putting the book in my pocket.

Anyhow, later that night I found the book on my computer desk. I guess I took it out of my pocket and put it there. And I started idly leafing through it and trying to get a feel for who's diary this was.

Was she a nerd? Could she be a hot 20-something year old? How was her grammar? (I really, literally, actually thought that. English major disease.)

I decided I just had to share what I found. For fun. I'll try my best, but I don't know that I can manage all the bold, italics, underlining, misspellings and emotion she really put into it.

Here's a cute little part:

i know its been awhile since we talked. its been like ages, am i right? (or am i right!?) and ive done soooooo much at school it's like crazy!!! ive got homework from mr. cadmere again, can you believe it? i mean THAT for starters. than there's all sorts of THINGS been happening between kara and me again but its totally not true i like jimmy stiffle -- he totally blows his nose practically allllll the tiiiimeeeee. maybe if i was a giant tissue box. hahahaaa shes so retarted sometimes it's like duhhhhhhh kara, but i need her for the dance her dad is gonna get us like a limo or a escalade or a something really expensive and i dont want her to just go with jules and sarah and them without mEE. and did you know fishes can not swim backwards diarY? HaahHa i learned that today in school and then totally was BoRRReeeeddddddd for like 10 strait hours for nothing. but i feel good again today diarYYYY!! except sometimes my nose it still has the pain. it still comes and my head starts to hurt and it's like someone is squeezing in my brain and there are dark clouds everywhere. my mom says maybe its migrains and the hay and everything but i dont like it. i just wish it would stop the red the RewD RED red the red
[note: there were splashes of dark red on this page but the girl apparently ignored it and kept writing over it] reddddDDdd ..... <3>kill my family especially my brother dillan who's the most retarted in the family. tHe whole family thinks he's going to go to a smart high school and that's all they talk about and he'll run for preSiDenT and it's like i dont even exist anymore. weLL DiArY i probbly have to go lay down and do homewOrk or something my head is starting to KIlllllll again and my stomach hurts and the stupid bird is outside my window again i hate that bird i hate it HATE IT HATE ITTTTTTT that bird i want to kill it i want to KiLLll it i hate IT its looking at me that crow. it crWWW its aLWAYS looking at me and I need to kiLL trhe PResident kill the bird Fcckkkk theFFFF the PRESIdent I need kiiiiiiiiii- [note: there are strange symbols and markings I can't recreate with the computer etched into the page here] -to lay down i don't feel good no more but it was good to catch up and i guess ill prob write in you again before the big dance next week and i dont even know if i want to ask anyone, especially not jimmy stiffle and i dont care what kara says i Don't Like Him!!! i know jules is going without anyone so ill prob just go with herr and it'll be so much fun!!

PS - totally hate homework today!!! :-# !!!!!

I figured the grammar wasn't too hot, probably your stereotypical 7th grade teeny bopper girl. Spelling was a little off for her age group but kids these days are ruined by the internet and text messaging. It's only a matter of generations before we writers are heralded as either a) gods among men with doctor-like intelligence or b) archaic useless paleontologists who might as well sign up as trash collectors.

Whichever it is, I've still been reading more into this diarY to try and get a read on something I can't put my finger on. Something is just a little 'off' about these entries and I can't quite figure it out. I'm sure it's something stupid or as simple as 'she doesn't use apostrophes correctly.' Ahh the youth of today. Bunch of crazy little flip-a-shits. I should throw this stupid diary out but I just... can't. It's weird.

Anyway I'd transcribe another entry but my head is fucking kiLLing me. Maybe I'll try to get my hands on some perks and pop some of them suckers and sip on some Sailor Jerry's--that's mother nature's cure. I hope it doesn't have to do with these damned nose bleeds I've been getting. Until next time, my bLoG....

PS - I did the math. Even if the Flyers won the rest of their games and all the top teams lost over 50% of the rest of theirs, we'd have about a 2% shot at capturing the PresiENts trophy.

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