Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Glory Suicides -- American Tradition

Just like Harry Houdini to magic, Charlie Kelly in 'The Day Man Cometh' and Evil Knievel in stunting-- you need 'an angle.'

Now I've been around the block. I know a thing or two. And the wave of the future is here. And someone needs to step it up. Ready for it.... it's

But not just any suicide.
American suicide.
Patriotic suicides.

Glory Suicides.


Picture it:
Thousands gathered in attendance. The old, the young, men, women and children of all ages gathered around in a hushed awe, holding their breath, a glint of joy in their eyes, as their Hero is attempting a badass, awesome, jawsome, show-stopping suicide.

40 Cameras.
Endorsements out the Wazoo.
Celebrities assistants.
Movie deals.
Monster venues.
Even zoo animals and circus people.

All in wide-eyed anticipation of a spine-shattering, fire-breathing, and yes, always wholesome first degree murder in the first person.

Kinda leaves ya breathless, doesn't it?
Now throw in an American flag waving.
God, I just got an erection.

I haven't worked out all the details or exactly how the scoring etc would work but how about a once-a-month tribute to the most brutal, spectacular suicides. And not just any suicide -- a Glory Suicide. Waving an American flag. Jets flying by overhead. Kids going "WoW!!!!!!". It gives me the shivers.

Like I said, I'm still finding the right market saturation approach and collecting the raw data, looking for investors, etc etc (the ever-diligent me) but all I need now is a face and some cashflow.

Here are the top 5 gnarly suicide ideas I've been kicking around for the program:

Oh Chopper My Chopper

Ok, so we rent 2 helicopters and fly them directly over top of one another. Our hero will be in the top chopper sans a parachute (that's fancy for 'without'). Both choppers are holding steady directly over the stage and placed in the center of the stage is a floor-mounted Nickelodeon graduated cylinder that they used in Nickelodeon's Family Double Dare (not like the one they used--the actual one they used). Our Hero jumps out of the top one directly into the whirring blades of the lower one. The audience has to guess if his eviscerated entrails fill above the red line.


We got Shishka-[his name].
Bonus: an extra exclusive ($) ticket gets you seats in 'the pit' which is directly under both helicopters. blood shower = happy customers.

Face that Launched a Thousand Rips

This one is more an endurance test that could take hours/days. But I figure people watch Nascar and those guys hardly ever die. Our guys is 100% guaranteed to die. I mean, in what other entertainment medium do you get that? Answer: None.
Well, our Hero will sit and kneel directly in front of the camera and take paper cuts. Oh, and he cuts himself. From industrial fresh-pressed sheets of legal white over and over and over and over in his head and face until he bleeds to death and dies.


That. is. metal. It's like a horror movie -- you just can't look away. Only in this case there will be fireworks and a constant barrage of Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" blaring in the background.
Bonus: we will of course make Glory White the official paper supply of the Glory Suicide program. $core.

Barbed Wire Hangover

Our Hero will play in the equivalent of a McDonald's Ball Pit -- of barbed wire. Rolling around in the pit, small individually-cut pieces of wire will be ingested by the hero and right before bleeding to death (both internally and externally), he will get out and take a seat at a dunk tank. A lucky child from the audience will get the chance to 'sink' our hero into a vat of Glory Suicide brand whiskey. He must drink his way out.


I'm only assuming he dies. From the cuts or the alcohol. If he doesn't.... well, I don't know.
Bonus: The winning dunk kid gets a lifetime supply of our whiskey.

Chainsaw Chop-Up
Hero grabs a chainsaw. Hero hacks off own limbs one at a time. Will he be able to get all 4? Is it possible?! Can he really even do that?!! How can he--- but that doesn't---
Oh, he'll be able to do it.
Our Glory Hero is a professional.


Maybe have some tree-chopping contests going on before and afterward.
Bonus: The look of sheer wonder and joy in those kids eyes is all the bonus we'll need.

Red, White, and Boom

My personal favorite and a 'can't miss' if you have a flair for the dramatic. This Glory Suicide is a marvel of modern technology and human engenuity. It will definitely by the Grand Finale.
Our Hero will start by swallowing enough remote detonated explosives to take out Rosie O'Donnel. And he will do it during a good ole' American Eating Contest. Children from the audience can come up and volunteer to out-eat our Hero (sadly, with FCC and US constrictions, the children will be chowing down on something American, like apple pie, not explosives.) He will then wave goodbye, get in a military class Stealth Bomber and take off to the song "Living on the Edge" by Aerosmith.
Attention will be directed to the center stage where a 15-foot giant remote with a giant red button directly in the center is highlighted by 30 spotlights. This button is the detonator for all the live explosives our brave Hero just ate. The live band will be playing, they'll sell candy and stuff and put up general Glory Suicide Fun Facts! up on the jumbotron for a while.
Then, in a hail of 25 jet engines buzzing by overhead the stealth bomber will release our Hero out the escape hatch and skydive to the ground, hurtling hundreds of miles an hour through the air..... on fire. That's right.
At this point he'll need some sort of slow-down device to get his bearings straight (can't have him missing now, can we? And can't have him taking the wind out of everyone's sails by using a slow, stupid, safe old 'parachute', can we? Probably deploy some sort of MC Hammer parachute pant technology) and position himself hurtling towards the red button.
--and this is my favorite part--
The Hulk Hogan Theme - American Made will start blasting loud enough to kill small animals and oriental women. The pyrotechnics will erupt from every direction, charring and permanently blinding some (small price to pay.) The jumbotron will be going nuts and zooming in on our Hero. Dads and sons will be high-fiving and saying "phuck yea!!!!" (with a 'ph' because it's family oriented). Women in bikinis will come up in pods placed specifically beneath everyone's seats. Shit will be going bonkers. Old people will be shitting themselves. Women will be ripping their clothes off. Everyone who snuck a gun into the event (we don't even pat you down at Glory Suicides -- this is your 2nd ammendment. We encourage it) will start shooting it in every direction. People will be pissing straight into the air without getting wet -- like straight up.
Then everything will stop all of a sudden. No noise. No one moving a muscle. These puny terrorists will appear from everywhere (hired by Glory Suicides of course) and the main terrorist will appear on the jumbtron and say something in some sandy foreign language that no one understands. Then he will grab an American flag and rip it up as everyone is trying to figure out what the phuck this jack-off is doing.


The music will make that 'record skip' sound and a goofy 'BoiNg!!!' and the terrorists look all surprised and all these old WCW and WWF wrestlers will come out in their full wrestling gear grab the terrorists holding them in arm bars and headlocks. We look on the jumbotron and the main terrorist is looking scared at--
Oh my God!! It's Hulk Hogan!!! He shakes his finger no-no-nooooooo
Everyone starts chanting. And all at once Hogan drops the terrorist and the wrestlers body slam the other puny terrorists onto mini-land mines (they won't really kill the terrorists, it's just to make everyone think they do) all as the music kicks back double loud.
People go ridiculous! Society doesn't even make sense anymore.
Our attention goes back to our hero. He's hurtling closer and closer (while all this is happening) and he's finally seconds away. The audience begins a frenzied rapturous countdown.



--the air itself is on fire with it--


Square on the button, as his body showers the audeince in human chum and they celebrate the greatest gift of life... death.
Bonus: this.

Gone'run Wiiild on YOUUU terrorists

So like I said, I've got a pretty solid framework. Some good ideas. Gotta work out some small stuff -- where to get terrorist outfits, edible explosives, industrial strength barbed wire, figure out if one guy does all 5, does he go on a live tour, do you need a special permit to blast music as loud as I need to, who rents helicopters, my, my, my, but I'm rambling.
Like I said though, investors are still needed but you want to act fast--this opportunity just will. not. last.

Hit me up if you think of any ideas or have any questions or know a guy looking for work. And keep an eye out for America's next great pastime--
Glory Suicides

1 comment:

  1. Out-tro: