Free Zine! Get your Free 5-0 Zine, here!

Have you ever wanted the mail to move quicker?
Have you ever thought, 'Hey, I wish my stuff from UPS would get here already'?

I'll bet you haven't--but I have.

I, for one, plan on not tipping either of them when my goods arrive. I'm waiting on two highly anticipated mega-awesome things. Sneakers and a phone. Yea, two of the biggies.





Sneaks:
-Nike Free 5.0

















Boom.


Feast your eyes on these bad boys. It's like running barefoot.... but in shoes! It's some new hyper space-age technology that apparently sweatshops in Vietnam are privvy to to help strengthen and correct the natural gait of the foot when running etc, etc. They weigh like 0.006 ounces and have microfiber mesh. Sounds dee-lish. And they look, I believe the review said 'badass as shit', so that can't be bad.

Apparently Men's 9.5 is the hot size in Montgomery Mall, as it was the floor model for the shoe and they only had one (what did they do with the other Nike shoe? What can anyone do with just 1 size 9.5 Nike Free 5.0 left sneaker?.) It happens alot. I think I have what's called 'perfect foot size' in the biz. No big deal, they'll mail me two new ones right to my door no shipping.

Sign me up. I can feel those 9-year olds finishing up the ultra light polymers and mangling their Vietnamese fingers as we speak -- they better get here soon.




Phone:
Motorolla Zine



















Check that action.

Is that a lead pipe in your pocket or do you just have a boner? Both.

This puppy is packed with enough 5.0 mega-pixel who-dads and ultra wi-fi whats-its to turn Mine That Bird into Glue That Shelf.

I'm talking a list of things I don't need and will never learn to operate on a phone I'm guaranteed to break within 5 hours of drunk (3 weekdays or one weekend morning). I'm literally drooling to load it up with heavy metal songs, take pictures of my own crotch, and twitter update like a maniac with this baby. It's the sports car of phones. Only it's like a V-6 2005 Mustang. There are faster and crazier phones-- but I'm a cheap bastard. And let's be serious here -- the women can't tell the difference between the V-6's and the V-8's. They just know it's pretty. And they just can't wait to drool all over my johnson. (Hey Meghan!) And that's getting mailed to my ass from T-Mobile.


Yea, I'll pretty much be the talk of the town. Running at uber-speeds and uber-texting while wearing my Rite-Aid sunglasses I bought yesterday (they say Nascar on the side but it's really really small print and only on one side so I don't think anyone will notice). I'll be a big deal.

So here I am, coming home from work everyday, just waiting for my fill of 'package' if you catch my drift--and nothing. It's a damned shame. The best part is: I've already been charged for both on my credit card.

Really? Since when is it that we live in a world where you have to pay for something before you get it? Certainly not since I've been using prostitution.

Fly you bastards, fly!